Hurt
by PugNTurtle
Summary: Olivia goes undercover and is nearly raped by Harris, she is hurting. She won’t let anyone in, least of all, Elliot. So who will give her the kick in the behind that she needs?


Title: Hurt

Author: Katie

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC Universal. No harm is meant. AKA, don't sue me, I'm poor.

Characters: Olivia, Elliot, Fin, Melinda, Casey, Cragen

Summary: After Olivia goes undercover and is nearly raped by Harris, she is hurting. She won't let anyone in, least of all, Elliot. So who will give her the kick in the behind that she needs?

Rating: PG-13 for a few bad words

Author's Note: So, how fierce was Undercover? Mariska acted her ass off, and I smell another Emmy. Hopefully she'll get it for a perfectly acted out episode. Anyways, I just wanted to do a little post episode fic. It's been awhile since I've done an SVU fic, so I hope that you guys like it! This starts directly after the end scene with Liv/Melinda.

* * *

_I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hold  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything_

_- Hurt, Johnny Cash_

* * *

"Olivia…" Melinda trailed off, seeing the tears welling up in the normal tough skinned detective's eyes. She chose her next words carefully. "Have you talked to anyone?" the M.E. finally asked. "Have you talked to anyone about what happened?"

Olivia sighed, running a hand through her short hair. "I… there's nothing to talk about, Melinda. I don't want to relive it," Olivia finally replied.

"Liv…" Melinda said pleadingly, her voice trailing off as the detective's name fell off her lips.

"I'm fine, Melinda," Olivia bit off, a mantra that was going to be part of her vocabulary for quite some time. "I appreciate your concern… but I'm fine."

Melinda didn't reply; rather, she kept an unnerving gaze on Olivia.

"Look, we gotta get him back to his cell," Olivia said after a few moments silence. "Thanks for taking the picture," she added, leaving before Melinda could reply.

Olivia slid in the passenger's seat of the car, not even sparing a gaze at Harris, who was staring angrily at her. She buckled her seatbelt, sensing Elliot's searing gaze rather than actually seeing it.

"I'm fine, El," she said testily, crossing her arms across her chest as she stared out the front window. "Can we just get back to the house?"

Elliot kept his gaze on her for several moments before finally turning the key to start the ignition, pulling out into the busy New York traffic. He glanced in the rearview mirror, catching the intense gaze of Harris, blue eyes piercing each other.

Breaking his gaze from Harris, Elliot couldn't help but glance at Olivia again. She was still staring out that damned window, looking as if she wanted to be anywhere besides that car right now. With a sigh to himself, he turned his attention back to the streets, knowing that the silent tension in the car would continue for the ride.

In what seemed like an eternity later, Elliot pulled back to the station house, parking and pocketing the keys before opening the back door and roughly yanking Harris out of the car. He led Harris up the steps, not surprised to see a group of reporters waiting for the trio.

"Detectives, what evidence did you uncover to be able to arrest Captain Harris for the rape of Ashley Tyler?"

"Detectives, what charges will be brought forth?"

"Detectives, when will this case go to trial?"

Their voices all merged together, except for one question that rose above the others, sending prickles of anger down Olivia's spine.

"Detective, how does it feel to know that you're finally the victim?"

Eyes flashing, she spun, locating the person behind the question. "A victim?!" Olivia seethed, knocking the woman's microphone out of her face. "I AM NOT A VICTIM!" she yelled, her dark brown eyes flashing with something that Elliot had never seen before. Even after she beat the crap out of Michael Thatcher, this level of rage hadn't settled in her features.

Elliot shoved Harris off to another officer. "Take him inside!" he barked, then turned and grabbed Olivia's arm, yanking her back from the reporter. "Come on, Olivia," Elliot said, his tone changing as he spoke to his partner.

"Get off of me!" Olivia roared, attempting to pull her arm from Elliot's grasp. It was almost ironic, considering she had yelled the same at Cragen after her boss yanked her back from Thatcher last year. Elliot held on tight, though, pulling her away from the crowd of reporters, briefly thinking that they were akin to a tank of sharks at feeding time.

"Keep them out of here," Elliot stated calmly to a couple of uniforms who had been called out when the crowd had formed when they heard that Captain Harris had been arrested for the rape of Ashley Tyler. He pushed Olivia into the station house before him, the doors closing behind them as the voices of the clamoring reporters faded.

Olivia yanked her arm out of Elliot's grasp finally. "How dare you?" she asked, anger brewing at the surface. "How DARE you?!"

"Olivia…" he started, not sure of where to start. "Liv-"

"Screw you," Olivia spat, storming past him to the elevator to go up to the office. She jabbed the button and entered the elevator, not even bothering to wait for Elliot. The doors shut before Elliot even had a chance to walk toward the doors.

Tilting his head toward the sky, Elliot took a deep breath, exhaling through puffy cheeks. He made his way to the elevator, catching the next elevator up and hoping that Olivia had cooled down somewhat by the time he made his way into the precinct.

She hadn't.

He pushed through the doors in time to see her throw her keys on her desk with enough force to knock over one of her pictures, the glass on the frame cracking as she did so. She ripped off her jacket, throwing it on her chair as she pushed past him in order to go into the locker room.

Elliot sighed, setting his keys down on his desk and his placing his jacket on the back of his chair before sitting down. He leaned back, his eyes trained on the door that Olivia had disappeared into.

"Detective Stabler, Captain Harris is in Interview Room Two," the officer that Elliot had shoved Harris to minutes ago informed him. "He wants his lawyer present for questioning."

"Thanks," Elliot said absently, his intense gaze still trained on the door. The officer left as Olivia breezed out of the locker room, changed into a pair of workout shorts and a tank top, boxing gloves clutched in her right hand.

"Harris wants his lawyer," Elliot told Olivia as she walked over to her desk, grabbing a bottle of water from her drawer. His words weren't really focused on Harris, though, as he noticed the numerous bruises that scattered up and down Olivia's arms and legs, the skin around her wrists torn and bruised, the knuckles on her right hand scraped.

"Good. I hope they see each other in hell," Olivia replied, turning to leave.

Elliot's gaze zeroed in on a dark bruise along the back on her left knee, long and cylinder, standing out against the toned muscles. "Liv," he finally stammered. _What happened in that basement?_ He wanted to ask so badly again, but instead stated,"We need to interview him."

"You and Munch can do it," Olivia bit off, not even bothering to turn around as she saw the ADA walk into the precinct. "I don't want anything to do with that son of a bitch right now."

She brushed past Casey, not even bothering to spit off a greeting before exiting the precinct, obviously headed toward the gym that the NYPD had provided for the officers.

"Where's she going?" Cragen asked as he came out of his office, not having caught the altercation between the partners.

"I told her that Munch and I would take care of interviewing Harris," Elliot chose his words carefully. "I think she's headed to the gym." Wanting to get the focus off Olivia, he looked at Cragen. "Harris wants his lawyer."

"I figured," Cragen answered with a sigh. "He'll probably be here in a few. Casey, I expect that you want to be in there too?"

"Of course," Casey replied. "The sooner this monster is off the streets and in a cell, the better."

"Okay, let's get this show on the road, people," Cragen said.

* * *

When Elliot found Olivia an hour and a half later, she was pounding her fists into a punching bag, all of her attention on jabbing the bag repeatedly. He walked up to her silently, not wanting to startle her. He slowly walked around the side of the punching bag, holding it steady as he tried to meet Olivia's gaze.

She refused to look at him, instead intensifying her jabs on the now still bag. Elliot barely reeled with each jab, noting that her strikes were becoming weaker with each swing of her arm. Her hair was sweaty and matted against her head, sweat beading at her hairline and trickling down her face. The bruise on her jaw was stark against her sweaty skin, which clung to the damp material over her body.

"Harris didn't admit to anything," Elliot finally said, breaking the silence.

"Oh course he didn't," Olivia muttered, slamming her fist into the bag as hard as she could with the energy she had left. "Ashley saw the mole on his penis, but it wasn't him."

"He also said that he didn't try to rape you."

"And I got the bruises cause I walked into the door," Olivia shot back, shoving the punching bag away from her and wiping an arm across her face. "Repeatedly."

"Liv, I'm not doubting what happened to you-"

"Damn it, Elliot, nothing happened in the basement!" Olivia seethed, ripping the gloves off her hands and throwing them on the ground in front of her. She slammed her bare fist into the punching bag, with enough force to send him reeling slightly.

"Liv, calm down!" Elliot whispered, stepping from behind the bag, placing his arms on her shoulders, not expecting the reaction he got.

Olivia ripped her shoulders from his grasp, stepping back, a wild look in her eyes. "Do not touch me!" she hissed, shoving him back. "You want to know what happened in the basement? Do you?!" she yelled, her voice echoing in the large, empty gym.

"Liv-"

"HE DAMN NEAR RAPED ME, ELLIOT!" she screamed, shoving him in the chest as each word grew louder. "He kept me cuffed as he led me into the basement, and told me that I was going to give him what every man wants. He grabbed my jaw, and threw me on the bed. I fought, and struggled and got to my feet, but he grabbed me, and he made me kiss him. He threw me on the bed again, then picked me up and slammed me into the wall. I screamed, and yelled, and the son of a bitch just LAUGHED at me. He laughed, like it was so goddamned funny, and he uncuffed me. I slugged him as hand as I could, and I ran. I RAN, Elliot, like a scolded dog. I hid, and he found me. He nailed me in the stomach with his baton, and then the back of the knee, so I elbowed him in the balls. I tried to run, but he caught up with me, again, and he decked me. I didn't want to go down, but I had to… I had to." Her voice lowered slightly as she admitted in few words that she had known that he defeated her. "He cuffed me," she began again, "He cuffed me to the bars on the window, and he unzipped his pants. He grabbed my head, and was trying to pull me toward his penis, but I struggled. I struggled so hard, and I screamed; I told him no, and he told me to shut up, and I was ready to quit, but Fin… Fin, thank God, came in. He didn't rape me, Elliot. He didn't!"

Olivia took a deep breath, tears mixing with sweat as she breathed heavily. Elliot stared back at her, his gaze unreadable. "I'm sorry, Liv," he finally whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Olivia laughed slightly, shaking her head. "I damn near got raped. I got nailed in the back with a nightstick by someone I consider to be a friend; I witnessed things I don't want to see. I'm bruised and battered. And all you can say is that you're sorry?! What the hell are you sorry for?!"

"That I wasn't there for you."

It was said so softly that she almost missed it.

And it had the opposite effect of what he thought it would have. Instead of her silencing her anger, it only fueled the fire that was behind her rage. "You're sorry that you weren't there for me," Olivia repeated, her voice trailing. "Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Maybe you could have saved me… again. See, that's your problem, Elliot. You always want to play hero, no matter what the expense is for you to do so!" she yelled.

He stared back at Olivia, wondering silently where this rage was coming from. "Olivia… I don't want to fight with you. When you're ready to talk, you know where to find me," he told her, walking past his partner and out the door.

"No…" Olivia whispered, angst filling her heart as she watched him leave. "I'm sorry," she whispered, backing up to the wall, sliding down the back of it, the mantra spilling from her lips unintelligible to him.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry."

* * *

"Hey, El, have you seen Liv?" Fin asked, stopping at the detective's desk.

"She actually headed up to the crib a little while ago," Elliot replied. "She's pretty pissed at me, though… You may not want to bother her."

"When's she not pissed at you, man?" Fin asked, a small smile tracing his lips despite the fact that he knew that Olivia was hurting pretty badly… physically, emotionally, and mentally.

"I dunno," Elliot replied with a shrug. "If you want to try to go a few rounds with her, be my guest."

"Yeah, I need to ask her something about the Jackson case," Fin replied absently.

"Good luck," Elliot answered, his words laced with a cheerfulness that he didn't feel. He was worried about Olivia, more than he would admit, and more than she could accept.

"Yeah, thanks," Fin said, heading up the steps to the room that held cots for the detectives to catch some sleep during hard cases.

"Liv?" he called softly as he entered the room, not wanting to startle her or wake anyone else up. To his relief, there was no one else in the room.

However… a sniffle broke the silence, a broken "Yeah?" replying.

Fin cautiously made his way into the darkened room, his steps hesitant as he made his way to the cot that Olivia lay on. Her back was to him as she lay on her side, but he could see that she was curled up on the bed, her knees drawn up slightly, a pillow clutched to her chest. Her hair was damp from a fresh shower, the jeans she wore filling out her curves perfectly. She wore a long sleeved t-shirt that clung to her figure, showing off defined muscles from years of working out and fighting crime. Her boots were on the ground next to the cot, her feet encased in ankle socks, and her shirt rode slightly up her back, leaving just enough of a gap so Fin could see a long bruise along her lower back. Guilt coursed through his veins as he realized that was his doing.

"Liv…" he trailed off with a sigh, sitting down on the cot facing her back and placing the file on the bed next to him. He placed his face is his hands, mumbling three words that made Olivia want to cry even harder.

"I'm so sorry."

She refused to budge, bringing a sleeve up to wipe at her eyes. "It's not your fault, Fin," she whispered hoarsely, her voice pained from the screaming she had done just days ago in that basement and the screaming she had just directed toward Elliot in the gym. "You did what you had to do," Olivia added.

"It doesn't mean I don't feel guilty," Fin answered.

"You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"Then why can't you look at me?"

Olivia froze, the tears that were involuntarily trickling down her cheeks the only movement of her body. She lay there for a long time, before finally glancing over her shoulder to look at Fin. Seeing the guilt and hurt in his eyes, she rolled over, wincing as she did so. Luckily, Harris had only bruised her ribs when he struck her with his baton, which was painful enough, but sure as hell beat out broken ribs. She was okay as long as she didn't move too fast.

She caught her breath, not wanting to show that she was in pain… her arms hurt, her knee hurt, her back hurt… Everything pretty much hurt. "Fin… It wasn't your fault. You stop-" The word caught in her throat, and she had to swallow before continuing. "You stopped him. You got there in time. I'm nothing but grateful to you."

"I almost didn't. Another minute and…"

The thought trailed off as Fin didn't let the words be spoken. A lone tear trickled down his cheek as he thought about what he didn't want to voice. He knew that Olivia knew how close she had come to being a rape victim, the crime that she had fought the last ten years of her life.

"I know, Fin. I know," Olivia said after a few moments of silence, hesitantly reaching a hand across the space between the beds to take his hand in hers. The two sat there for a few minutes in silence, their hands enclosed, their breathing the only sounds in the room.

"Have you talked to Huang?" Olivia finally asked, breaking the silence, but not the grasp she had on his hand.

"No. You?"

"Not yet," Olivia answered with a sigh. "I just… I know that this is going to be difficult. I know that I'm going to have to relive what happened in that basement and… I don't want to, Fin. I don't want it to be real. I don't want to talk to people about it. I don't want to sit up on a stand in front of a jury and judge and… and him, and be an attraction at a sideshow. I don't want to sit there and tell them how he nearly ra-" She swallowed slightly, not wanting to say the word. "Raped me." She finished, her voice cracking slightly, tears welling up in her eyes.

"But he didn't, Liv. You fought. Your instinct kicked in, and you fought for your life. You survived, and hell, you got a few good hits in on him."

Olivia sighed, all of her fears spilling out at once. "But how am I going to face him in court? I couldn't even watch as Melinda took the picture of his penis! I'm not gonna be able to sit there as they show the evidence," she told Fin, the tears spilling over her cheeks.

"Olivia… you're a strong woman," Fin answered, leaning between the space and using the pad of his loose hand to wipe at her eyes, brushing tears away. "You'll make it, and I think that this is gonna make you even stronger. You're a survivor, and you made it. You can face him. What is it that you've told countless victims? That you know how hard it is, that you know that victims regret not facing their attackers? If you quit now, Harris wins. He assaulted a cop. That can tack a few years onto his sentence. I'm sure you don't want what happened to Ashley - or to you, for that matter - to happen to anyone else."

"I don't," Olivia answered hoarsely. "It doesn't make it any easier."

"It's not gonna be easy, Liv," Fin said gently, his thumb brushing against the dark bruise on her jaw line, the only visible mark at the moment that showed she had been in a battle. The rest were covered at the moment, thank God. The material of her shirt even stretched past her bruised wrists, the wrists that had been bound behind her back during the cowardly attack. He wanted to kill Harris for what he did to Olivia. What kind of man attacks a woman who can't even defend herself?

Olivia sighed, chocolate brown eyes meeting Fin's dark ones. "I'm just scared that I'm gonna catch a case where the vic was forced to perform oral sex, and I'm going to lose it," Olivia admitted softly. "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to relive this every case we get and I don't want to."

"I know, Liv," Fin answered with a sigh. "It's gonna be hard, and the only thing I can say is to make sure that you talk to someone. Huang, me… Elliot."

Olivia laughed slightly, shaking her head. "Elliot probably hates me," she said, wiping her eyes again with her free hand. "He's been trying to help me, and all I do is scream at him or push him away."

"He doesn't hate you, Olivia," Fin answered. "He's worried about you. He was so scared while you were undercover. Right after they locked down the prison, he wanted me to pull you out of there. He was worried about you… and he still is."

"And I've been pushing him away," Olivia added miserably. "He probably hates me," she repeated her statement from before.

"Liv. He doesn't hate you." Each word was punctuated, Fin resisting the urge to take her by the shoulders and shake her. "He just wants to know what happened. El wants to be there for you. He knows that you're not fine, no matter how much you want to repeat that statement." Seeing her mouth opening to protest, he cut her off. "You need to talk to Huang, Liv, and sooner than later."

"I… I know," Olivia answered. "I'm not sleeping well," she admitted.

"I know. The circles under your eyes are a hint."

Olivia sighed, rolling over to her back and staring at the ceiling. "I owe Elliot an explanation," she said softly. "I've been horrible to him."

"I know."

She turned her head, meeting Fin's intense gaze. "Will you go to Huang with me?" she asked shyly.

"I… What?"

"We were there together. I don't think that I can do it alone," Olivia answered. "Cap said that we both need to talk about it with Huang, and I know that I can use some help getting through my session."

Fin swallowed slightly before nodding his agreement. If anything would help lift some of the guilt, maybe that would…

"Thank you," Olivia said softly.

"You're welcome, baby girl."

Olivia smiled slightly, the first real smile that had graced her features in a few days. "How about we call him now, see when he can see us?"

"That sounds like a plan, but you need some sleep. I'm sorry that I had to interrupt you from your nap, but I needed to talk to you about the Jackson case," Fin replied, glancing at the folder that lay by his side.

"I'm not gonna be able to sleep," Olivia answered softly. "You helped me, but… I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep here."

"I can understand that. How about you wash your face and I'll meet you downstairs?" Fin suggested.

"That sounds good, but…"

"What?" Fin asked, seeing her hesitate at the statement as her words trailed off.

"Do you care if I talk to Elliot for a few minutes first? I… I need to talk to him."

Fin smiled, knowing that Olivia was on the road to recovery. "Of course not. Let me know when you're ready."

Olivia sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the cot, wincing slightly as sore muscles protested. She pulled on her boots, standing up. "Fin…" she hesitated, his name hanging in the air.

"Yeah?" he asked, standing up as well.

"Thanks."

He nodded, resisting the urge to hug her, to let her know that everything would be fine in time. "It's no problem," he chose instead, placing a hand lightly on her shoulder. "Wash your face?"

"Yeah, I'll be right down," she answered absently, scrubbing a hand over her face.

"Alright."

Fin walked down the steps, brushing a hand across his eyes, hoping that any trace of tears were gone. "You okay?" Elliot asked, standing as Fin made his way down the steps.

"Yeah."

"She gonna make it?"

"I think so."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Elliot glanced up as Olivia slowly made her way down the steps, her moves somewhat more pronounced than before. "El… I need to talk. Can we take a walk?"

Elliot nodded, grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair and handing Olivia hers after he walked around their desks. "Of course."

As the partners made their way out of the precinct, Fin watched them leave. Elliot turned his head slightly, meeting Fin's gaze and mouthing "Thank you" to his colleague. Olivia's steps were somewhat more defined, the detective regaining some of her spunk that Harris had taken in the basement.

She was going to be okay.

And that's all that mattered.

* * *

Finished 1/1

So what do you think? Reviews are love, kthnxbi.


End file.
